STOP 4 | Portugal: Ayahuasca and avoiding going nuts (Days 3-4)

This post is dedicated to Teo, Luca, Ale, who have been there lately for anything, in spite of everything.

Day  3 | July 25^th

I got up at 6:16, I had waken up a couple of more times earlier, but it was dark, except for the flesh blue light of the travel adaptor looking at me.

I slept for more than 10hours I believe. Don't recall the last time I had slept for so long. I fell asleep around 8pm, despite the fact I wanted to force myself to stay awake till 10pm or so. I went out in the terrace and observed the moon up in the sky, it was beautiful: from dark blue the sky was transforming into lighter blue. A flock of little birds freaked out while I was walking and flied out from the tree they were attending - I didn't do it intentionally - I swear.

I went to bed again, as there is literally nothing else to do, but sleeping, dreaming and having scarse and healthy food.

Today is the day! We will have ayahuasca tonight around 9pm (if time is still a thing). I got up at 8:15am with Geraldine knocking at my terrace door. She brought my cup of ajo sacha, and my breakfast: oats and rice. I thought we were having only one meal today, but she confirmed I will have plantains mid-afternoon as we need to be strong for tonight's ceremony. I was happy: again, food is absolutely not amazing, however due to my past diets, and my healthier alimentary habits acquired over the past year, I am not suffering too much.

During breakfast, I started writing down about my dreams: briefly talked about those to the shaman and she said that the plants would work on relationships. not sure if the plants I am taking are exacerbating some pains I currently have, but my left foot and my back are a little bit sore. Nevertheless, it'll be temporary. I really hope I can get something great out of this retreat. I still think about Shiri's wishes: "May you find Peace".

I look at the mirror every now and then to gauge if I gained weight or not: my blue trousers seem to be looser, even thought I feel the same, if not bigger. But my friend from Madrid confirmed I am really cool now, especially from my digging pics: so, girls of all the world, get ready, i need to find a wife! ☺

It's almost 12:00pm, I fell asleep again. I dreamt again and took notes of my dreams, after taking a quick warm shower, which was the excitement of the day i believe. Hearing sparrows tweeting or bees buzzing outside of my room gives me a sense of inner peace. Sometimes a rooster sings; actually he sings at any time, I used to hear them at sun-rises when I grew up: probably this is another effect of globalization, even roosters do not sing on time anymore as they were used to. When was the last time you heard a rooster sing? We don't have time nowadays to notice the smallest things, unfortunately. I smelt some fried onions, is this is going to be for me? I would love that.

Despite this being officially Day 3, only 24 hours have passed since the moment we entered isolation: I am not getting crazy yet, but I envision it to be intense. One thousand Thank You to Tiago, who gave me the notebook, and to Olga, who gave me the pens in Philadelphia. Like castaways on a desert island, I am counting the days with the only difference that I know when the retreat will end.

I got early dinner or late lunch at about 4pm. The day has been passing, not really quickly but not really slowly. I had some questions on tonight's ceremony and the shaman said she will hold a brief meeting before it, to explain a few aspects. I made a list with all the things to wear/bring for/to the ceremony, just to kill the time. Roosters keep singing, I don't know what they are singing about or for. Today I haven't written too much but I have been thinking and relaxing on my bed. I would like to avoid falling asleep again. i don't know what to expect with tonight's ceremony. So far, except lots of dreams, I did not feel anything differently, just some boredom sometimes. Probably everything will happen after tonight? Will I be able to sleep? Will I get angry a lot about my past or present life? Will I have nightmares? Will I feel miserable? Will I feel sick? Will I be unconscious? WTF...it starts getting scary over here.

Probably if you don't think about the time, it will pass: it's already past 6pm, three more hours to go to the ceremony. iIve just spent 30 mins or so to walk up and down in the path in front of the door, on the terrace, the same path I will embark on later to join the ceremony hall.

I thought about the September portion of my sabbatical, nothing is planned yet, I need to make sure to dedicate some time to think about it and to plan.

01:30am - I am happy, I look at the starry sky and a tepid and timid smile appears on my cheeks.

Day  4 | July 26^th

The ceremony was beautiful. Geraldine explained to us the meaning of ayahuasca and the logistics of the ceremony. I am not going into details, as I don't think it would be fair to the shaman's work, but I can focus on what it represented for me.

Today I feel extremely tired; yesterday I stared at the starry sky for many minutes before going to bed: what if the answers I am asking the master plants are already somewhere inside me? I just need to dig deeper and focus more to unveil them.

I got 1 cup of la madre, but I still didn't feel any strong effects, hence I went for a second (full) cup. Ayahuasca is a revealing plant: it my create physical effects (stomachache, headache, nausea, cold/warm chills, accelerated heartbeat --> it goes where the pain is), as well as psychologic effects (visions). La madre works as a connector with the plants I am dieting with. People can feel sleepy and start yawning a lot after the first intake. The shaman recommended us to stay awake.

It was a long ceremony, about 5 hours: each ceremony is different, it can happen one way the first night, it does not happen the same way the next time. I was concerned if I was doing something wrong, but Geraldine confirmed that it's ok: there are reasons why the ayahuasca is not manifesting widely for me. I would be really curious to get to know such reasons, though. I "asked" the plants to show me the way during the ceremony, but eventually they did not (yet), so I need to wait. With no lunch today (you have 1 meal the day after the ceremony), I will try to sleep more and to keep track of my dreams: probably the key is here.

Eventually I fell asleep for a couple of hours after "lunch": lunch was huge and I asked for a bigger portion of rice with oats and plantains and an entire hard boiled plantain. I got lunch at 2:30pm more or less, but waited till 3 outside as this was my plan to get the day passed:

• 2-3pm: outside, thinking
• 3-5pm: inside, thinking
• 5-6pm: outside, thinking

Now it's 6pm, so "only" 4 or 5 hours to go till the end of day. WooHooo!

I've asked the shaman's assistant for a new black pen: in case this would finish I don't want to be blocked by the lack of a pen. I also have a lot of empty pages in my notebook, so hopefully I will be good till the end of the retreat.

Today I started counting the seconds as time did not seem to pass at all: I was really discouraged this morning, but now it's kinda better, I am taking notes of all the things I want to do once out. Eventually, excluding today, the departure day, and the day when we regain freedom and connection we are almost at a turning point: 4 full days missing.

I didn't recall any dreams during my last 2h-ish nap, probably because I fell asleep right after eating and as Italians would say, I was "appanzato" (really full, after a huge meal). Geraldine had just passed with the afternoon dose of ajo sacha, that I drank immediately. I am ingesting daily all such plants juice, I hope it'll manifest at some point in some forms. My friend from Madrid - who actually can officially call Luca - said "I hope this is the right thing for you". I still don't have any answer for him, nor for myself, but at least I keep asking myself "Why should I force myself into self-isolation?" The same happened with Vipassana 6 years ago: that was mind-blowing at the end, but it was really tough, probably tougher than this one. "You won't last 2 days", I still remember the words from Gianlu, another friend of mine, while getting to know about my 10day Vipassana silent retreat: indeed this is what friends should do, empower and motivate you ☺.

If I survive to this - I will be able to say with pride that I made it through two 10day retreats, which may not be that common, right?!