They Broke Me! But they will never Shut my Smile!
It's been a long while since my last post, but a dear new friend from Japan reminded me of the healing power of journaling—a truth I often forget amidst life's currents. So, here we are, embracing the blank page as a path to healing and reflection.
A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same since my last blog post in 2021. I ended 2021 healthy and happy, proud of my job and, more importantly, my personal accomplishments. I naturally uplift the energy of those around me... and I truly enjoy doing it. As I tell my team pretty often, "we are all humans at the end of the day".
Discovering Humanity, Good and Bad
Over the past four years, I saw the best side of humanity. I traveled whenever I could, visiting many places, discovering cultures, corners, and glimpses. I did a US road trip and visited all the unbelievably fascinating Utah National Parks. I added new countries to my count: I'm now at 66 countries, and I've visited six out of the seven Wonders of The New World. I kept fostering and building connections with old and new people, and that's what gives me the most energy. I attended many retreats to go deeper into self-awareness – a meditation retreat in Puebla (MX), Camino de Santiago (ES), a neurosystem regulation retreat in Sayulita (MX), to name a few. I feel pretty powerful about it. But your mind is still a b***h if you can't train and control it; you can easily fall back into old, ugly patterns.
I found and connected with my American family after 117 years. It was like finding a new home away from the many homes I've had around the globe. I even brought them to Sicily a few times to discover their roots. I also brought my parents to the US for the first time and let them experience American big-city life for a while.
I had some edgy experiences in Japan and San Francisco with strangers or almost strangers (all legal, but definitely not conventional, and no, you won't get to know what!). I did a fantastic road trip across the West part of the US with my cousin, reconnecting with him after so many years and having a lot of fun (you should ask him if he felt the same). And no, I didn't build my own family; I'm not sure when or how I want to invest in that. I just cherished all my close friends who decided to embark on that path.
I became a certified coach (still some things underway), a teacher of Italian as a foreign language, and I recently signed up for an Archaeological degree. Digging into the past can set up a better future – I wish politicians and social leaders would think about this more often.
The Reality of CorpAmerica
Over the past four years, I also saw the worst part of CorpAmerica – and I didn’t even experience the worst of it, I’d say: its ability to deceive you, the mind games, the lack of integrity, the public façade, and hidden motives. I faced everything with a smile, being myself, being moderate, and sticking to my values. But it wasn't enough to survive healthily. When you enter political games, you either become a shark or you get eaten. I'm a big bite to swallow – so I haven't been eaten yet – but They Broke Me: little by little, month after month, quarter after quarter, with lies, back-channeling, constant changes of direction. No, not promises, because I'd stopped believing everything they said. Eventually, it was my fault, because I kept trusting them, kept believing they’d change, and I didn't create any B plans. I just did the work like it was my own company, like it was my parents' restaurant. I invested every inch of my energy, with passion, dedication, engagement, and commitment. It wasn't, and isn't, my company, though. I put all my cards on the table, because Honesty and Trust are two of my core values. I was used; actually, I allowed them to use me. I thought efforts, results, and deliveries would be rewarded eventually. That was wrong. If I wanted to, I should have allowed them to use me without expecting anything in return, or I should have just worked less, focusing on getting a paycheck, and that’s it, as passion & dedication are not CorpAmerica currency.
The Uncaring System
No one had bad intentions towards me; they just didn't care. I wasn't part of their plan. Sometimes you just need to be in the right place at the right moment. And I wasn't: I never am, actually, but they sold it to me so many times. They kept breaking me for four years without knowing it, without noticing it, probably. CorpAmerica doesn't understand emotions, even though they call themselves "People-first leaders" – I wonder how "People-last leaders" would behave. CorpAmerica runs on internal politics and power plays; there's no concept of common good or common sense. Among the lessons 2025 hammered home were constant changes of direction (sometimes weekly), priority projects assigned to teams with no clear reasons—and often lacking the necessary skills or expertise; I was overworked for long periods, including weekends, just to fix things in an environment where those who should care, simply didn't!
Realistically, CorpAmerica does not owe me anything. I wasn't arrogant or stubborn enough to set my boundaries and leave when I should have. I allowed them to break me, over and over. This is probably the most disgusting feeling humans can feel. Leaders optimize for what they need and want, and Integrity isn't the first variable (often not even a variable). Can someone control leaders? Absolutely, but again, the system doesn't incentivize this behavior, and it’s easier pretending not to know, it’s easier not to listening, it’s easier not to act.
The Physical and Emotional Toll
They broke me so much that at the beginning of this year I got sick often, when I rarely get sick. I took only one day off, which I spent entirely alone, in bed the whole time, as I could barely stand up that day. And I kept working for the better good, to make things right and better, as my parents thought me to. Some of my vitals were off the charts eventually. My doctor advised me, and I was mandated, to attend a health program to get them back on track. “Work makes you sick” was the summary of one of the first consultations. So for once, I decided to put Health first! The good thing about CorpAmerica – perhaps due to some "Woke culture" influence – is that these companies offer great perks for self-care: extended maternity, paternity, and carer's leaves, medical leaves, and similar. You don't need to explain anything to your management chain, as everything is handled by your doctor and an external provider for sensitivity reasons.
In my case, no one know exactly what I am doing except my direct manager, one of the most principled and honest managers I've ever had in my Corp life. The most striking thing I heard when the news of me taking personal time off came out was: "Oh, you're going on vacation?! Which countries will you be visiting?!" I felt ashamed, not for myself, but for them. I felt ashamed that CorpAmerica would give you the opportunity to take time to care for yourself (for something CorpAmerica actually caused, in my case) and then, on the other side, judge your action and not believe it. I felt I had to justify what I was doing, justify my medical leave, and I even wrote a note to explain, though I still decided not to go into details. I'm being judged, but I can no longer be, as I don't attribute any value to such people judging me.
Now, if humanity is all about relationships – with family, friends, work, entities, routines, actions – why should I keep investing in such an unhealthy (for me) relationship? In a relationship that sucked my soul and drained me, physically and mentally? It's like a recent exchange with one of my best friends, where our interactions just became transactional, and every time it's more draining for me to try to meet him instead of feeling happier. Should I keep investing in a relationship that takes away and doesn't give anything back? And why so?
My Team and Future Path
The most positive thing in all this is my team. I love my team. I try my best to set a platform for them, and with all the constant changes, it hasn't been easy. I feel like Dumbledore, warning and teaching Harry Potter or other students without revealing all the challenges he faces on his own.
I'm not sure if I truly learned my lessons this time, as the Mind is a weird muscle. But beyond the physical health deterioration, this experience revealed so much to me, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally. It affected my own sense of Worthiness, and they will never be forgiven for this. There is no time to try to explain, to understand, to talk, to clarify: I will get swallowed once again. I will start playing as well now if I am able to, remembering there's no care for me as a person; I'm just a number to them, despite them being "People-first leaders." And I remember my number by heart since Day 1: 148XXX.
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